All for One, or, One-All

The opening weekend of Euro 2012, and its leakage into this week, has been all about the one-all draw. If football were fashion, one-all would be the peter pan collar (a little analogy for the laydeez, there). Poland/Russia, France/England, Spain/Italy. Poland/Greece. You see what I'm saying.

I'm over it, personally. At this stage in the tournament, that is both the most exciting and the most boring possible result. On the one hand, both teams score. Both sets of fans get their goal-rush sugar high. But then also, at the end, everyone is slightly disappointed but feels as if they should be pleased. And nobody is left with any real advantage. Boo.

England have never won their opening match at the Euros. It's traditionally a nervy fixture, and we all know how much the English like tradition, so you get the feeling they just wanted to keep things proper. But oh my, did you see the outpourings on Twitter after Lescott's goal? You'd have thought England had been handed the cup then and there. And all for nought.

It was a shame for last night's Poland/Russia match to end in a draw, as it was a genuinely stylish and energetic game. The backdrop of decades of Soviet control over Poland probably helped to bring the tension. And Blaszczykowski's goal was so forceful and perfectly angled that it even took him by surprise - afterwards he had the delighted look of a boy who's just flicked his gum right into the bin without really even concentrating. But ultimately, no conclusive blood was drawn.

The flurry of one-all draws in the group stage is like the bit at the beginning of a really good party where lots of acquaintances turn up and nobody's drunk yet, so they're all being terribly patient and polite. "Oh, you work in accounts? That's fascinating! My aunt works in accounts!" and "Your dress is gorgeous - don't be silly, of course it's not too short!"

Whereas what we want is for everyone to get trashed and smear food all over the curtains. "Accounts is FUCKING boring", we want them to slur, and "You look like a slut in that dress." And for the inhibitions to be cast aside on the pitch, rather than in the pubs between poorly-policed racists-on-tour. We want, in the words of managers across the ages, a result.